Thanks for interesting insights and dose of empathy for singles. I just returned from a trip where I was the only non-married member of a group of 25 female physicians. Nothing negative was said to me, and yet it was clear that everyone knew I was different. The conversation was polite, but I was conscious of being an other. Recently I read about how to plan a trip to a city where some restaurants don’t allow single reservations in order to prioritize seat tables at maximum capacity. I will survive the inconvenience of being persona non grata at such restaurants, but I am still very glad to feel understood by at least one partnered person whose way of thinking I happen to respect. Not many take the time to remember what it felt like to be single, judged or treated as a failure or prize.
Thank you, Jennifer. I'm so sorry to hear that you are dealing with all that, but I know you are wise and sane and know how to deal with it. Still, you shouldn't have to.
Thanks, you’re right. It was only a little awkward at the time but understandable, since married women with children don’t always have much in common with a single woman with pets. And businesses are free to do what is needed to survive. There are other concerns, delights or otherwise to move on with. I do hope the single guys out there aren’t made to feel as much like projects as we were. Two wrongs don’t make a right :)
Really appreciate this post, though I'd push back on one word in the headline: "just." I'd love to find my goofball, but at 45, it feels harder and farther away than ever.
I go back to a lot of the ideas from _It's Not You_ and really appreciate them. While I'm glad (some of) the critiques of single life are lessening, it's still depressing to hear "live your life! travel! build your career! buy a house!" as the "solutions" to being single. Yes, you (I) can and should do all of those things. But doing so doesn't relieve the pain of being single in a world built for couples. That is, even doing these things without the intent of being a "renovation project," continuing to live life solo can sting. I know you know that, but noting it here because sometimes the important move away from "improve yourselves" to "build your life" glosses over the pain of deep yearning which is not fixed by houses, careers, vacations, or even a community of wonderful friendships.
Sara, this was such a great article to read. Your book about single women from over a decade ago was extremely helpful for me when I was younger.
I tend to spend time with other single women, and many of them don’t actively dating much, if at all, these days (myself included). It just seems like after years of negative and even dangerous encounters in the dating space, many of these women savor their own time to do other things. A lot of single women express open disinterest in dealing with unequal patriarchal dynamics with men, and recent public discourse in the media and personal experiences shared by other women (both single and partnered) validates their decision to opt out.
But I also see a greater amount of content geared towards single women that focuses less on improving ourselves with the ultimate goal of “finding the right partner,” but more so for general self enrichment. A lot women are talking about not currently progressing through life without the partner and children they imagined having, but being content and present in their own lives.
This framing of singlehood as positive is a welcome change, and it’s helped me immensely as someone who used to be afraid of being single past 30. Now as I approach my mid-30s, the future feels filled with possibilities in a good way (no matter my romantic status)! I think despite the changes that life poses for all of us, things will ultimately be ok.
I'm so happy to hear this! I have been following the conversation about this, and it seems really positive to me too. Glad to know that's how it's landing with you.
I really needed to read the last 4 paragraphs of your post today. I've held onto your work and thinking as life rafts in a sea of "If you are more/less XYZ, you'll finally get them!" When really, what the many others are trying to do is push a product for the sake of profit. Thank you so very much.
Never fell for any of that nonsense. Married at 45. Wore my hair however I wished. Enjoyed my career. Had no time for anyone who made me feel bad about that. Bottom line: You don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with you.
Not sure the level of detachment was /is healthy, but we’re dealt what we’re dealt. Could have just as likely stayed single. Marriage shouldn’t be anyone’s goal. Just a legal byproduct.
"Or are they two very particular goofballs who wake up every day thrilled to have found someone who laughs at their jokes and is willing to put up with their nonsense? Success in dating isn’t about being best-in-class; it’s about two weirdos finding each other."
As always, you've hit the nail on the head and cut right the heart of the issue in this particular dialogue.
I can't speak to what the dating landscape is like for young people right now generally. I can only say that all my kids have found lovely partners who treat them exceedingly well (and who I like!), which makes me glad. If there's been any determining factor that I can see, it's that I've raised them to be kind while also not putting up with bullshit.
For myself, things are decidedly more bleak. In my experience, patriarchy encourages men to stop growing emotionally and spiritually sometimes between 18-25 when, according to the culture, they're "in their prime." There are men who continue to evolve, but it seems like the experience is akin to driving with the parking break on. It's deeply uncomfortable, and most men don't want to work that hard. Women, in contrast, spend the years until their forties trying to make a system not built for them work, but it doesn't. Sometime in their forties they stop, and then they really start to hit their stride. There is nothing more delicious than a woman in midlife who has really stepped into her power and agency. But most middle-aged men are still idling with the parking break on, and can barely understand middle-aged women, much less appreciate them.
I'm down to date women and non-binary folk, but coming late to that party because I was busy trying to make life with men work and having babies, I'm a little flummoxed how to step into the space. Also, generally, I just really like myself and my life, so my Gen X dating training to change myself to perform "attractiveness" and "likeability" rings hollow.
Great piece, Sara. And I love hearing your sarcastic/humorous voice in this piece. I read this line to my son and we were both cracking up: “Throughout his advice-giving, Galloway sounds like an alien reciting an instruction manual for how to be a person.” Ugh, I remember these days all too well… crazy that the advice hasn’t changed all that much.
As always I find your kindness and compassion for young men refreshing. I was struggling with dating when I read your book.
I'm now in a happy long term relationship with my goof ball. Maybe not causal (an interpretation your work resists I think) but still a part of my story.
The way people shame young men feels very messed up. There is a very "just world fallacy" at the root of a lot of it. It is hard to extend empathy to someone suffering. Especially in the fraught context of patriarchy and political radicalization through manosphere influencers.
I eventually found my partner in a progressive lgbt affirming church. Nothing is perfect but we make it work. Centering myself on things as they are rather than ideals in my head was a big part of that. Not just "standards too high" but like being removed from the act of connection.
As a happily married woman, I bought your book. When I was single from the late 90s into the mid-2000s, I was grappling with the common advice on message boards and elsewhere. Even tried to bring up the holes and contradictions, but with much resistance. It will be interesting to hear your take from a younger me perspective. As for meeting my husband, I met him on a hike in 2000. We didn't date immediately, though. I didn't think I was his type, and I had my eye on another person with whom I carpooled that day. Eventually, we did get together on a beach trip, and some years later, we got married. It will be 15 years this November. We have 4 cats.
Sane advice. Find your goofball! Also, be yourself, be confident in your goofiness, and be a good human curious about others. A good way to date and a good way to live.
of course galloway is speaking to his younger self, and you wrote 2000 words speaking to yours. i read each and every one and i was surprised it made it all the way to the end without a positive example. i don't necessarily disagree with any of it, but i would throw up a flag of caution at an expert in the young female mind of the 90s also being an expert in the young male mind of 2026...
Thanks for interesting insights and dose of empathy for singles. I just returned from a trip where I was the only non-married member of a group of 25 female physicians. Nothing negative was said to me, and yet it was clear that everyone knew I was different. The conversation was polite, but I was conscious of being an other. Recently I read about how to plan a trip to a city where some restaurants don’t allow single reservations in order to prioritize seat tables at maximum capacity. I will survive the inconvenience of being persona non grata at such restaurants, but I am still very glad to feel understood by at least one partnered person whose way of thinking I happen to respect. Not many take the time to remember what it felt like to be single, judged or treated as a failure or prize.
Thank you, Jennifer. I'm so sorry to hear that you are dealing with all that, but I know you are wise and sane and know how to deal with it. Still, you shouldn't have to.
Thanks, you’re right. It was only a little awkward at the time but understandable, since married women with children don’t always have much in common with a single woman with pets. And businesses are free to do what is needed to survive. There are other concerns, delights or otherwise to move on with. I do hope the single guys out there aren’t made to feel as much like projects as we were. Two wrongs don’t make a right :)
Agree, nice to hear from you!
Really appreciate this post, though I'd push back on one word in the headline: "just." I'd love to find my goofball, but at 45, it feels harder and farther away than ever.
I go back to a lot of the ideas from _It's Not You_ and really appreciate them. While I'm glad (some of) the critiques of single life are lessening, it's still depressing to hear "live your life! travel! build your career! buy a house!" as the "solutions" to being single. Yes, you (I) can and should do all of those things. But doing so doesn't relieve the pain of being single in a world built for couples. That is, even doing these things without the intent of being a "renovation project," continuing to live life solo can sting. I know you know that, but noting it here because sometimes the important move away from "improve yourselves" to "build your life" glosses over the pain of deep yearning which is not fixed by houses, careers, vacations, or even a community of wonderful friendships.
Thanks you for this, Joelle. And you are so right! It’s not a “just” situation! Will think on a fix.
Sara, this was such a great article to read. Your book about single women from over a decade ago was extremely helpful for me when I was younger.
I tend to spend time with other single women, and many of them don’t actively dating much, if at all, these days (myself included). It just seems like after years of negative and even dangerous encounters in the dating space, many of these women savor their own time to do other things. A lot of single women express open disinterest in dealing with unequal patriarchal dynamics with men, and recent public discourse in the media and personal experiences shared by other women (both single and partnered) validates their decision to opt out.
But I also see a greater amount of content geared towards single women that focuses less on improving ourselves with the ultimate goal of “finding the right partner,” but more so for general self enrichment. A lot women are talking about not currently progressing through life without the partner and children they imagined having, but being content and present in their own lives.
This framing of singlehood as positive is a welcome change, and it’s helped me immensely as someone who used to be afraid of being single past 30. Now as I approach my mid-30s, the future feels filled with possibilities in a good way (no matter my romantic status)! I think despite the changes that life poses for all of us, things will ultimately be ok.
I'm so happy to hear this! I have been following the conversation about this, and it seems really positive to me too. Glad to know that's how it's landing with you.
I really needed to read the last 4 paragraphs of your post today. I've held onto your work and thinking as life rafts in a sea of "If you are more/less XYZ, you'll finally get them!" When really, what the many others are trying to do is push a product for the sake of profit. Thank you so very much.
Thank you, I’m so glad to know this was helpful!
Never fell for any of that nonsense. Married at 45. Wore my hair however I wished. Enjoyed my career. Had no time for anyone who made me feel bad about that. Bottom line: You don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with you.
Yes! So good to hear this!
Not sure the level of detachment was /is healthy, but we’re dealt what we’re dealt. Could have just as likely stayed single. Marriage shouldn’t be anyone’s goal. Just a legal byproduct.
I’m so glad you’re still writing about this topic with as much passion as you did in your wonderful book. 💛
Thank you, Carrie! So good to hear from you!
"Or are they two very particular goofballs who wake up every day thrilled to have found someone who laughs at their jokes and is willing to put up with their nonsense? Success in dating isn’t about being best-in-class; it’s about two weirdos finding each other."
As always, you've hit the nail on the head and cut right the heart of the issue in this particular dialogue.
Thank you, Lizzie!
I can't speak to what the dating landscape is like for young people right now generally. I can only say that all my kids have found lovely partners who treat them exceedingly well (and who I like!), which makes me glad. If there's been any determining factor that I can see, it's that I've raised them to be kind while also not putting up with bullshit.
For myself, things are decidedly more bleak. In my experience, patriarchy encourages men to stop growing emotionally and spiritually sometimes between 18-25 when, according to the culture, they're "in their prime." There are men who continue to evolve, but it seems like the experience is akin to driving with the parking break on. It's deeply uncomfortable, and most men don't want to work that hard. Women, in contrast, spend the years until their forties trying to make a system not built for them work, but it doesn't. Sometime in their forties they stop, and then they really start to hit their stride. There is nothing more delicious than a woman in midlife who has really stepped into her power and agency. But most middle-aged men are still idling with the parking break on, and can barely understand middle-aged women, much less appreciate them.
I'm down to date women and non-binary folk, but coming late to that party because I was busy trying to make life with men work and having babies, I'm a little flummoxed how to step into the space. Also, generally, I just really like myself and my life, so my Gen X dating training to change myself to perform "attractiveness" and "likeability" rings hollow.
Thanks you for this, Asha. Yes, seeing middle-aged women step into their power and agency is the best!
Great piece, Sara. And I love hearing your sarcastic/humorous voice in this piece. I read this line to my son and we were both cracking up: “Throughout his advice-giving, Galloway sounds like an alien reciting an instruction manual for how to be a person.” Ugh, I remember these days all too well… crazy that the advice hasn’t changed all that much.
Thank you so much Alyson!
As always I find your kindness and compassion for young men refreshing. I was struggling with dating when I read your book.
I'm now in a happy long term relationship with my goof ball. Maybe not causal (an interpretation your work resists I think) but still a part of my story.
The way people shame young men feels very messed up. There is a very "just world fallacy" at the root of a lot of it. It is hard to extend empathy to someone suffering. Especially in the fraught context of patriarchy and political radicalization through manosphere influencers.
I eventually found my partner in a progressive lgbt affirming church. Nothing is perfect but we make it work. Centering myself on things as they are rather than ideals in my head was a big part of that. Not just "standards too high" but like being removed from the act of connection.
Thank you and yes completely agree about the “just world theory.” And I’m so happy you found your goofball.
This is really beautiful and true.
Thank you so much!
As a happily married woman, I bought your book. When I was single from the late 90s into the mid-2000s, I was grappling with the common advice on message boards and elsewhere. Even tried to bring up the holes and contradictions, but with much resistance. It will be interesting to hear your take from a younger me perspective. As for meeting my husband, I met him on a hike in 2000. We didn't date immediately, though. I didn't think I was his type, and I had my eye on another person with whom I carpooled that day. Eventually, we did get together on a beach trip, and some years later, we got married. It will be 15 years this November. We have 4 cats.
Thank you so much! There are so many of us who went through this! So happy for you, your husband and your cats!
Sane advice. Find your goofball! Also, be yourself, be confident in your goofiness, and be a good human curious about others. A good way to date and a good way to live.
Thanks, and yes!
of course galloway is speaking to his younger self, and you wrote 2000 words speaking to yours. i read each and every one and i was surprised it made it all the way to the end without a positive example. i don't necessarily disagree with any of it, but i would throw up a flag of caution at an expert in the young female mind of the 90s also being an expert in the young male mind of 2026...