Thanks for setting the record straight. The quest for self-esteem paradoxically led to lower self-esteem and ultimately burnout in my case. What a relief to be "average" and relinquish the Herculean effort of trying to be "special"... I think gifted programs have a lot to answer for, too.
I love this so much! I don’t really have any followers, but I restacked just in case. Confidence was what I most wanted when I was in my early 30s. I remember specifically saying that out loud to my therapist. When I turned 50, I realized what I had really wanted was to know what the fuck I was doing —to have a higher level of craft in my profession life. I didn’t want confidence — I wanted knowledge.
Oh how I love this. The whole talk about confidence and self esteem always felt like absolute bullshit to me, even as a teenager. People can only be as confident as their successful attempts and social acceptance or praise allow them to be. Most people I observed who were confident (or overconfident in many cases) were so, in large part, because of the societal privileges extracted from the inequities of the system they got: their physicality, their gender, their cultural background, class, race, etc. Besides, there are no absolutes. People can be confident in some areas of their lives and not others. How do you even objectively measure self esteem? I do not believe that is possible.
I’m jealous you got to interview Neff! I quote her work extensively in my memoir. Self-compassion has been a recent and amazing tool for me, and what I try to now pass onto my daughter. Meanwhile, when we visit my mother we get an earful of how she hates her wrinkles, hair, etc. (Hence my need to teach myself self-compassion.)
Thanks for the piece. I appreciated being reminded that I do not need to "fix" me to feel fulfilled, and that in turn reminds me why others might look at me like I am not of much value. That may sound stark. Said another way, the cultural narrative is a heavy cloak that most walk around in.
I feel like “grit” is speedrunning the same course of hype and disillusionment that self-esteem had, powered by flawed social science and the Harvard Business Review.
As a child, being special, or even speaking about our accomplishments was frowned upon in my culture. It was akin to being a braggart. Of course this clashed once I got into 'Corporate America' culture. It was hard to reconcile promoting myself and thinking my parents are turning over in their graves.
Decades later, moving up the corporate ladder, and later being "downsized" made me reevaluate my parents wisdom. What I remember most of all from that experience: those at the very top were the most humble or meek. Those striving to get there were not, including me. Later, at a different organization, that observation and lesson helped me stick to my parents' wisdom. It wasn't easy to unlearn the promoting tactics that helped me climb up that ladder. But work was more fulfilling as I focused on the work itself and helping others. I fail at times, because the pride/ego can rear its ugly head, and that is part of unlearning decades of self-promotion.
The more my own research reveals to me the idea that maybe some of the challenges i felt/experienced might not actually be mine to fix, or need to be “fixed” at all, the more empowered and (dare i say) confident I feel to trust myself and just be me.
Thank you for amplifying such an important message!
Loved this piece. My husband and I often say to each other ‘you’re not special’ when we’re being too hard on ourselves and it always lowers the stakes! We actually view each other as extremely special, but you get it. As a ‘gifted kid’ who dreamed constantly of being a prodigy at anything and everything, it’s been a massive relief to let self expectations fall and focus on living happy as one of the masses
So much to chew on in this article and the thoughtful responses. There’s an adage a lot of folks know, “esteem is built by practicing esteemable acts.” Esteem and humility are measured by how equal we see ourselves with one another. Somehow, esteem and worthiness have always been the same for me, a reformed Baptist sinner. My confidence and sense of mattering all tangled up. Feeling panicked and needing to prove myself has taken me farthest in my careers. I’m so ready to not be special anymore!
Thanks for setting the record straight. The quest for self-esteem paradoxically led to lower self-esteem and ultimately burnout in my case. What a relief to be "average" and relinquish the Herculean effort of trying to be "special"... I think gifted programs have a lot to answer for, too.
I love this so much! I don’t really have any followers, but I restacked just in case. Confidence was what I most wanted when I was in my early 30s. I remember specifically saying that out loud to my therapist. When I turned 50, I realized what I had really wanted was to know what the fuck I was doing —to have a higher level of craft in my profession life. I didn’t want confidence — I wanted knowledge.
"My husband and I are two ordinary people who have gloriously inaccurate views of one another" -- what a great line <3 Loved this piece!
Oh how I love this. The whole talk about confidence and self esteem always felt like absolute bullshit to me, even as a teenager. People can only be as confident as their successful attempts and social acceptance or praise allow them to be. Most people I observed who were confident (or overconfident in many cases) were so, in large part, because of the societal privileges extracted from the inequities of the system they got: their physicality, their gender, their cultural background, class, race, etc. Besides, there are no absolutes. People can be confident in some areas of their lives and not others. How do you even objectively measure self esteem? I do not believe that is possible.
I’m jealous you got to interview Neff! I quote her work extensively in my memoir. Self-compassion has been a recent and amazing tool for me, and what I try to now pass onto my daughter. Meanwhile, when we visit my mother we get an earful of how she hates her wrinkles, hair, etc. (Hence my need to teach myself self-compassion.)
Thanks for the piece. I appreciated being reminded that I do not need to "fix" me to feel fulfilled, and that in turn reminds me why others might look at me like I am not of much value. That may sound stark. Said another way, the cultural narrative is a heavy cloak that most walk around in.
Every one of these newsletters is superb.
I feel like “grit” is speedrunning the same course of hype and disillusionment that self-esteem had, powered by flawed social science and the Harvard Business Review.
As a child, being special, or even speaking about our accomplishments was frowned upon in my culture. It was akin to being a braggart. Of course this clashed once I got into 'Corporate America' culture. It was hard to reconcile promoting myself and thinking my parents are turning over in their graves.
Decades later, moving up the corporate ladder, and later being "downsized" made me reevaluate my parents wisdom. What I remember most of all from that experience: those at the very top were the most humble or meek. Those striving to get there were not, including me. Later, at a different organization, that observation and lesson helped me stick to my parents' wisdom. It wasn't easy to unlearn the promoting tactics that helped me climb up that ladder. But work was more fulfilling as I focused on the work itself and helping others. I fail at times, because the pride/ego can rear its ugly head, and that is part of unlearning decades of self-promotion.
The more my own research reveals to me the idea that maybe some of the challenges i felt/experienced might not actually be mine to fix, or need to be “fixed” at all, the more empowered and (dare i say) confident I feel to trust myself and just be me.
Thank you for amplifying such an important message!
Refreshing. Loved learning the backstory to mainstreaming self-esteem studies.
Loved this piece. My husband and I often say to each other ‘you’re not special’ when we’re being too hard on ourselves and it always lowers the stakes! We actually view each other as extremely special, but you get it. As a ‘gifted kid’ who dreamed constantly of being a prodigy at anything and everything, it’s been a massive relief to let self expectations fall and focus on living happy as one of the masses
So much to chew on in this article and the thoughtful responses. There’s an adage a lot of folks know, “esteem is built by practicing esteemable acts.” Esteem and humility are measured by how equal we see ourselves with one another. Somehow, esteem and worthiness have always been the same for me, a reformed Baptist sinner. My confidence and sense of mattering all tangled up. Feeling panicked and needing to prove myself has taken me farthest in my careers. I’m so ready to not be special anymore!
I love this. Thank you for writing it!