Thanks for setting the record straight. The quest for self-esteem paradoxically led to lower self-esteem and ultimately burnout in my case. What a relief to be "average" and relinquish the Herculean effort of trying to be "special"... I think gifted programs have a lot to answer for, too.
riiiight? And the "gifted and talented thing." I remember in 7th grade finding out that my school had a program because friends were in it. And I was like, "so I'm ... not"
I love this so much! I don’t really have any followers, but I restacked just in case. Confidence was what I most wanted when I was in my early 30s. I remember specifically saying that out loud to my therapist. When I turned 50, I realized what I had really wanted was to know what the fuck I was doing —to have a higher level of craft in my profession life. I didn’t want confidence — I wanted knowledge.
Thank you, Gina! I was the same--I thought confidence was the holy grail! What you're saying actually aligns with Baumeister's research that they got the causality reversed. Confidence doesn't make you better at your job, being good at your job makes you confident!
Oh how I love this. The whole talk about confidence and self esteem always felt like absolute bullshit to me, even as a teenager. People can only be as confident as their successful attempts and social acceptance or praise allow them to be. Most people I observed who were confident (or overconfident in many cases) were so, in large part, because of the societal privileges extracted from the inequities of the system they got: their physicality, their gender, their cultural background, class, race, etc. Besides, there are no absolutes. People can be confident in some areas of their lives and not others. How do you even objectively measure self esteem? I do not believe that is possible.
I’m jealous you got to interview Neff! I quote her work extensively in my memoir. Self-compassion has been a recent and amazing tool for me, and what I try to now pass onto my daughter. Meanwhile, when we visit my mother we get an earful of how she hates her wrinkles, hair, etc. (Hence my need to teach myself self-compassion.)
Thanks for the piece. I appreciated being reminded that I do not need to "fix" me to feel fulfilled, and that in turn reminds me why others might look at me like I am not of much value. That may sound stark. Said another way, the cultural narrative is a heavy cloak that most walk around in.
I feel like “grit” is speedrunning the same course of hype and disillusionment that self-esteem had, powered by flawed social science and the Harvard Business Review.
Thank you, and yes. The sociologist I spoke a couple of months ago said that when he was teaching in low-income public schools grit was all the rage, despite all of the larger forces working against the kids at home and school. I'm going to do a grit post--thanks for the idea, Jesse!
I read this article recently about prisoners surviving solitary confinement with their sanity intact, and it claimed that "grit" was what distinguished them:
The stories are inspiring. But it seems laughable that grit is a distinct substance some people provably have more of, and this is what explains their success. Especially if you survey people after they overcome challenges, rather than before. We might as well believe in the four humors.
As a child, being special, or even speaking about our accomplishments was frowned upon in my culture. It was akin to being a braggart. Of course this clashed once I got into 'Corporate America' culture. It was hard to reconcile promoting myself and thinking my parents are turning over in their graves.
Decades later, moving up the corporate ladder, and later being "downsized" made me reevaluate my parents wisdom. What I remember most of all from that experience: those at the very top were the most humble or meek. Those striving to get there were not, including me. Later, at a different organization, that observation and lesson helped me stick to my parents' wisdom. It wasn't easy to unlearn the promoting tactics that helped me climb up that ladder. But work was more fulfilling as I focused on the work itself and helping others. I fail at times, because the pride/ego can rear its ugly head, and that is part of unlearning decades of self-promotion.
The more my own research reveals to me the idea that maybe some of the challenges i felt/experienced might not actually be mine to fix, or need to be “fixed” at all, the more empowered and (dare i say) confident I feel to trust myself and just be me.
Thank you for amplifying such an important message!
Loved this piece. My husband and I often say to each other ‘you’re not special’ when we’re being too hard on ourselves and it always lowers the stakes! We actually view each other as extremely special, but you get it. As a ‘gifted kid’ who dreamed constantly of being a prodigy at anything and everything, it’s been a massive relief to let self expectations fall and focus on living happy as one of the masses
So much to chew on in this article and the thoughtful responses. There’s an adage a lot of folks know, “esteem is built by practicing esteemable acts.” Esteem and humility are measured by how equal we see ourselves with one another. Somehow, esteem and worthiness have always been the same for me, a reformed Baptist sinner. My confidence and sense of mattering all tangled up. Feeling panicked and needing to prove myself has taken me farthest in my careers. I’m so ready to not be special anymore!
I'm very impressed with this article. It reminds me of the "mindfulness" movement. It reminds me of my narcissist Tib Buddhist guru and his "of course you love yourself" as the answer to this time when someone brought up self-esteem with HHDL and apparently he was taken aback that it was even a problem. This was to act as if in Tibet nobody has self-esteem issues. Of course many years later I know better and I know also that this mindfulness movement is mostly just vague and who knows if it helps or confuses people. i think that the non-narcissist/sociopaths could potentially use affirmations but you can also just do basic thinking and contemplation to arrive at some penny drop moment. Affirmations are self-help guru vague group instructions.
Wow was not expecting this take on self-esteem. This is so spot-on and well-written. And the fact that you got to INTERVIEW KRISTIN NEFF is so freakin cool!!!
Thanks for setting the record straight. The quest for self-esteem paradoxically led to lower self-esteem and ultimately burnout in my case. What a relief to be "average" and relinquish the Herculean effort of trying to be "special"... I think gifted programs have a lot to answer for, too.
riiiight? And the "gifted and talented thing." I remember in 7th grade finding out that my school had a program because friends were in it. And I was like, "so I'm ... not"
I love this so much! I don’t really have any followers, but I restacked just in case. Confidence was what I most wanted when I was in my early 30s. I remember specifically saying that out loud to my therapist. When I turned 50, I realized what I had really wanted was to know what the fuck I was doing —to have a higher level of craft in my profession life. I didn’t want confidence — I wanted knowledge.
Thank you, Gina! I was the same--I thought confidence was the holy grail! What you're saying actually aligns with Baumeister's research that they got the causality reversed. Confidence doesn't make you better at your job, being good at your job makes you confident!
So true!!
"My husband and I are two ordinary people who have gloriously inaccurate views of one another" -- what a great line <3 Loved this piece!
Thank you, Lizzie!
Oh how I love this. The whole talk about confidence and self esteem always felt like absolute bullshit to me, even as a teenager. People can only be as confident as their successful attempts and social acceptance or praise allow them to be. Most people I observed who were confident (or overconfident in many cases) were so, in large part, because of the societal privileges extracted from the inequities of the system they got: their physicality, their gender, their cultural background, class, race, etc. Besides, there are no absolutes. People can be confident in some areas of their lives and not others. How do you even objectively measure self esteem? I do not believe that is possible.
good point!
I’m jealous you got to interview Neff! I quote her work extensively in my memoir. Self-compassion has been a recent and amazing tool for me, and what I try to now pass onto my daughter. Meanwhile, when we visit my mother we get an earful of how she hates her wrinkles, hair, etc. (Hence my need to teach myself self-compassion.)
yeah, Neff's work has been really important to me both as a writer and a person!
Thanks for the piece. I appreciated being reminded that I do not need to "fix" me to feel fulfilled, and that in turn reminds me why others might look at me like I am not of much value. That may sound stark. Said another way, the cultural narrative is a heavy cloak that most walk around in.
Thank you, Sea! I think we all need to be reminded of that!
Every one of these newsletters is superb.
I feel like “grit” is speedrunning the same course of hype and disillusionment that self-esteem had, powered by flawed social science and the Harvard Business Review.
Thank you, and yes. The sociologist I spoke a couple of months ago said that when he was teaching in low-income public schools grit was all the rage, despite all of the larger forces working against the kids at home and school. I'm going to do a grit post--thanks for the idea, Jesse!
I read this article recently about prisoners surviving solitary confinement with their sanity intact, and it claimed that "grit" was what distinguished them:
https://nautil.us/how-to-survive-solitary-confinement-235767/
The stories are inspiring. But it seems laughable that grit is a distinct substance some people provably have more of, and this is what explains their success. Especially if you survey people after they overcome challenges, rather than before. We might as well believe in the four humors.
As a child, being special, or even speaking about our accomplishments was frowned upon in my culture. It was akin to being a braggart. Of course this clashed once I got into 'Corporate America' culture. It was hard to reconcile promoting myself and thinking my parents are turning over in their graves.
Decades later, moving up the corporate ladder, and later being "downsized" made me reevaluate my parents wisdom. What I remember most of all from that experience: those at the very top were the most humble or meek. Those striving to get there were not, including me. Later, at a different organization, that observation and lesson helped me stick to my parents' wisdom. It wasn't easy to unlearn the promoting tactics that helped me climb up that ladder. But work was more fulfilling as I focused on the work itself and helping others. I fail at times, because the pride/ego can rear its ugly head, and that is part of unlearning decades of self-promotion.
Wow, so great that your parents instilled that in you!
The more my own research reveals to me the idea that maybe some of the challenges i felt/experienced might not actually be mine to fix, or need to be “fixed” at all, the more empowered and (dare i say) confident I feel to trust myself and just be me.
Thank you for amplifying such an important message!
Glad to hear that you are finding this too!
Refreshing. Loved learning the backstory to mainstreaming self-esteem studies.
Thank you. I really recommend Storr's book, Selfie. It's a wild story!
already noted .... love wild stories!
Loved this piece. My husband and I often say to each other ‘you’re not special’ when we’re being too hard on ourselves and it always lowers the stakes! We actually view each other as extremely special, but you get it. As a ‘gifted kid’ who dreamed constantly of being a prodigy at anything and everything, it’s been a massive relief to let self expectations fall and focus on living happy as one of the masses
love that, saying "you're not special" in response to being down on yourself!
It’s perfectly wonderful to be average at a skill! Average is a success!
So much to chew on in this article and the thoughtful responses. There’s an adage a lot of folks know, “esteem is built by practicing esteemable acts.” Esteem and humility are measured by how equal we see ourselves with one another. Somehow, esteem and worthiness have always been the same for me, a reformed Baptist sinner. My confidence and sense of mattering all tangled up. Feeling panicked and needing to prove myself has taken me farthest in my careers. I’m so ready to not be special anymore!
Thanks Sandra. Yes, it's a complex and nuanced topic. It took me ages to write this so it makes me happy to see all these thoughtful responses!
I love this. Thank you for writing it!
thank you!!
I'm very impressed with this article. It reminds me of the "mindfulness" movement. It reminds me of my narcissist Tib Buddhist guru and his "of course you love yourself" as the answer to this time when someone brought up self-esteem with HHDL and apparently he was taken aback that it was even a problem. This was to act as if in Tibet nobody has self-esteem issues. Of course many years later I know better and I know also that this mindfulness movement is mostly just vague and who knows if it helps or confuses people. i think that the non-narcissist/sociopaths could potentially use affirmations but you can also just do basic thinking and contemplation to arrive at some penny drop moment. Affirmations are self-help guru vague group instructions.
Wow was not expecting this take on self-esteem. This is so spot-on and well-written. And the fact that you got to INTERVIEW KRISTIN NEFF is so freakin cool!!!