This rings so true: "married people often believed they understood the single experience, no matter how brief their solo stint. There was little distinction made between, say, the woman who was between boyfriends for six months in her 20s and the one who had been on her own throughout her 30s." My experience of being single in my 30s and 40s has almost nothing in common with most married peoples' single experience and yet they assume they know what my life is like all.the.time.
Oh, good point! I was just doing an update from an earlier version of this point I wrote several years ago. I guess the overall idea is that it's irrelevant. But I take your point, probably would have been a better piece without that detail--since it IS irrelevant.
I think it's interesting how you describe yourself as a married person. It validates my experience as a single. But I was a divorced single mother, which has another wretched judgement added to being single. Anyways, if you come across another single that doesn't want to be single, nothing you say will be helpful because, you're married. I experienced both sides, single and married. In long term relationships and ones that fizzled out quickly. Neither status is easy. There are problems in both. Different problems, but still neither is a cake walk. So don't beat yourself up for trying to help anyone, married or single. Life can be horribly tragic, with sprinkles of joy, or joyfully wonderful with sprinkles of tragedies.
LOUDER FOR THE FOLKS IN THE BACK. I loved every word of this (and I chuckled out loud at the "we tell them about dating apps" part). Thank you so much for writing it.
As a longtime coupled person who also in the past was contented and discontented with being single, I say "this is brilliant" and "thank you for giving words to... this."
Also, I liked that you said, "Couples are weird" because they are. I remember Susan Sontag's list of things she disliked which included "couples" and made me feel really seen although I was half a couple at the time. I'd love to read a good piece on why modern couples are weird or one that helped younger people figure out how to couple up in ways that actually nurture and honor the two parties involved without also shaming single people. My partner and I are STILL figuring out our couple hood after more than 20 years.
that's a good Sontag quote, and a good idea for a piece! Sometimes, if my husband and I are hanging out with a lot of couples, I'll think "this is so weird" --- even though I like all the people and the only weird thing happening is my surprise that I'm now one of ... them.
Exactly, me too. And I wonder if Sontag was coupled at the time she said that. If I was a betting woman, I'd go with yes because it's the kind of thing that's much easier to say once you've seen the hill from both sides.
Gaaaah, I had a married friend—who also only means well and doesn’t enjoy my being in painful solitude—tell me they “just know” I’ll meet someone.
But the faith has to be selective: I have to “just know”, just believe that I’ll meet someone new; but I’m not allowed to “just know” that someone I loved profoundly (but lost because of circumstances (not disinterest)), might come back, even if I have a feeling, an “I just know”, that they might.
Believe this not that, when really, given the post-pandemic dating app death rattle, *I MIGHT NOT* meet someone! No one knows!!
This rings so true: "married people often believed they understood the single experience, no matter how brief their solo stint. There was little distinction made between, say, the woman who was between boyfriends for six months in her 20s and the one who had been on her own throughout her 30s." My experience of being single in my 30s and 40s has almost nothing in common with most married peoples' single experience and yet they assume they know what my life is like all.the.time.
it's maddening!
Can I ask why it was important to say that the woman in the story was 'happily married' at the end? It seems counter to the whole article
Oh, good point! I was just doing an update from an earlier version of this point I wrote several years ago. I guess the overall idea is that it's irrelevant. But I take your point, probably would have been a better piece without that detail--since it IS irrelevant.
Jen, I feel the same. It was a bit of blow for me! 'It turned out happily in the end, anyway'. Thanks for your remarks too,Sara.
I think it's interesting how you describe yourself as a married person. It validates my experience as a single. But I was a divorced single mother, which has another wretched judgement added to being single. Anyways, if you come across another single that doesn't want to be single, nothing you say will be helpful because, you're married. I experienced both sides, single and married. In long term relationships and ones that fizzled out quickly. Neither status is easy. There are problems in both. Different problems, but still neither is a cake walk. So don't beat yourself up for trying to help anyone, married or single. Life can be horribly tragic, with sprinkles of joy, or joyfully wonderful with sprinkles of tragedies.
So true -- we can't really help people with these sorts of things, other than to let them know we're there for them and care.
LOUDER FOR THE FOLKS IN THE BACK. I loved every word of this (and I chuckled out loud at the "we tell them about dating apps" part). Thank you so much for writing it.
Thank you, Gina!
Thank you, Sara, for this piece. It resonated with me.
Thanks, Julie!
You are most welcome, Sara.
As a longtime coupled person who also in the past was contented and discontented with being single, I say "this is brilliant" and "thank you for giving words to... this."
Thank you, Tina!
Also, I liked that you said, "Couples are weird" because they are. I remember Susan Sontag's list of things she disliked which included "couples" and made me feel really seen although I was half a couple at the time. I'd love to read a good piece on why modern couples are weird or one that helped younger people figure out how to couple up in ways that actually nurture and honor the two parties involved without also shaming single people. My partner and I are STILL figuring out our couple hood after more than 20 years.
that's a good Sontag quote, and a good idea for a piece! Sometimes, if my husband and I are hanging out with a lot of couples, I'll think "this is so weird" --- even though I like all the people and the only weird thing happening is my surprise that I'm now one of ... them.
Exactly, me too. And I wonder if Sontag was coupled at the time she said that. If I was a betting woman, I'd go with yes because it's the kind of thing that's much easier to say once you've seen the hill from both sides.
Gaaaah, I had a married friend—who also only means well and doesn’t enjoy my being in painful solitude—tell me they “just know” I’ll meet someone.
But the faith has to be selective: I have to “just know”, just believe that I’ll meet someone new; but I’m not allowed to “just know” that someone I loved profoundly (but lost because of circumstances (not disinterest)), might come back, even if I have a feeling, an “I just know”, that they might.
Believe this not that, when really, given the post-pandemic dating app death rattle, *I MIGHT NOT* meet someone! No one knows!!
Oh that’s so true! Only one side is allowed to “just know.”
I think that 3 part response is basically a case of the "just world cognitive bias" rearing it's ugly head. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_hypothesis