Loved this. It was like going on that hike with you, so vivid and relatable. The way you tied your experience to the bigger idea of knowing when to step back was spot on. It's lovely to see someone acknowledge that sometimes it's okay to call it quits for our well-being. Thanks for sharing such a thoughtful and honest perspective!
I got a masters in a very narrow subject that brought me immense joy. Then I managed to attain my “dream” job, with the exact “dream” boss, at the “dream” organization. I achieved nearly everything I had longed for but I was so deeply miserable. The “dream” boss turned out to be not so nice. The organization was toxic. I worked 24/7. I walked away knowing it was very likely I would never work in that field again. It was the best decision. My only regret is that I couldn’t keep the amazing healthcare.
I think about quitting writing (or at least the publishing part of writing) all the time, so, right there with you. I also spend a lot of time thinking about surrender and maybe it's related to what you're saying. This culture spends a lot of time convincing us that we can grit it out. All of it. Anything. Just apply enough grit and everything will work out. But, yeah, maybe we should just let the grouse live, so to speak. Thanks for this.
This is spot on! I'm reminded of a mantra I often hear: "I didn't come this far to only come this far." It's meant to be inspiring, but sometimes I hear it and think, what if this is far enough? What if this is the right end point for this journey, and I can hang out here or turn around and try another path? Your comparison to the hike is absolutely perfect.
It may look like defeat to others, but honestly reading your post was insightful and thoughtful. You don't need to prove anything, not even to yourself. Maybe because I've been through so much, I see it as you taking a stand for you, your entirety of well being. I found that my hardest decisions set me free from the mantra of "women can do it all: bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan." It took decades to realize, "doing it all" is straight up garbage. To know that failed marriage, other relationships and friendships are not defeats, or giving up . They are experiences that taught me what is allowed and not allowed. I was in survival mode for decades due to circumstances as a child. Who I am, the real me, who God made me, I'm still learning. I stopped dating, some say that's giving up or being afraid. I know it's freedom from decades of losing myself in relationships. I have very few close friends, some say I'm afraid of getting hurt. I have my inner circle, and not everyone is privy to my life. This is called boundaries. It's also freedom from peer pressure, aka people pleasing. I appreciate your writings, and hope you continue your genuineness, it's helpful and encouraging.
I was madly in love with my husband. We had plans to do so much. We had two kids. Two boys who were my life. My husband became less and less loving throughout the years. I recognized that he was unhappy with himself. He was miserable every day and became increasingly more jealous. If any man spoke to me - I must have done something to make him do that. My. Friends, who were in my life forever, slowly stopped calling. I was more lonely than I had ever been. When my best friend told me how he had spoken to her and it was ugly. At the 10 year mark, I was unhappy. But my sons needed so much. I stayed because I thought things would change. We separated twice, my choice. He would call all of the time, show up wherever I was - stalking me to see where I went and who I was with. I swore as soon as my sons were old enough, I would talk to them about leaving. At the 18 year mark, the next separation began. It didn’t last very long for the same reason. I spoke with my oldest. He was not acting the way I had planned. At the 19 year mark I discussed it with him again. Nothing I said would change anything. I stayed one more year and at the 20 year mark, I left him. It should have been easier, I had planned on things getting better, when they did not both of my sons resented me for a long time. We have only recently (2 years ago) that they understood my unhappiness and why I had to go. We are all three close again My sons & me- but I often wonder what would be different had I left for good the first time I tried. It was a mistake to stay for such a long time.,I should have learned sooner his promises to be a better husband and father were not going to last. He would break those promises over & over. I am now very happy. Maybe things would have easier had I left sooner. No DEFINITELY things would ha:;(ve been easier and possibly I would have found happiness sooner. But we cannot live our lives trying to change the past. We can only live in the Now.
Sometimes when you quit one thing, another area of life opens up to you that’s way better. I quit the dating apps over 6 years ago because I was tired of dead-end dates going nowhere. I haven’t been on any dates in nearly 7 years, but I’m happier. It’s nice to not have to constantly be in this state of wondering when someone will text back, saying the wrong things, or wondering if they like you or not. Just living and celebrating the people already in my life, has boosted my mental health so much. Thank you!
So much here! Makes me think of the lines Charlotte Joko Beck had her students say at the end of each day of Zen practice: "Caught in the self-centered dream, only suffering. Holding to self-centered thoughts, exactly the dream. Each moment, life as it is, the only teacher. Being just this moment, compassion's way."
Loved this. It was like going on that hike with you, so vivid and relatable. The way you tied your experience to the bigger idea of knowing when to step back was spot on. It's lovely to see someone acknowledge that sometimes it's okay to call it quits for our well-being. Thanks for sharing such a thoughtful and honest perspective!
I got a masters in a very narrow subject that brought me immense joy. Then I managed to attain my “dream” job, with the exact “dream” boss, at the “dream” organization. I achieved nearly everything I had longed for but I was so deeply miserable. The “dream” boss turned out to be not so nice. The organization was toxic. I worked 24/7. I walked away knowing it was very likely I would never work in that field again. It was the best decision. My only regret is that I couldn’t keep the amazing healthcare.
That must have been so hard. Glad it worked out.
Thanks for sharing, Robyn. So true. So many more obstacles in people's ways, but the mantra to push through never stops.
I think about quitting writing (or at least the publishing part of writing) all the time, so, right there with you. I also spend a lot of time thinking about surrender and maybe it's related to what you're saying. This culture spends a lot of time convincing us that we can grit it out. All of it. Anything. Just apply enough grit and everything will work out. But, yeah, maybe we should just let the grouse live, so to speak. Thanks for this.
This is spot on! I'm reminded of a mantra I often hear: "I didn't come this far to only come this far." It's meant to be inspiring, but sometimes I hear it and think, what if this is far enough? What if this is the right end point for this journey, and I can hang out here or turn around and try another path? Your comparison to the hike is absolutely perfect.
Thanks, and yes, there are soooo many times when I wish I'd said, "What if this is far enough?"!
It may look like defeat to others, but honestly reading your post was insightful and thoughtful. You don't need to prove anything, not even to yourself. Maybe because I've been through so much, I see it as you taking a stand for you, your entirety of well being. I found that my hardest decisions set me free from the mantra of "women can do it all: bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan." It took decades to realize, "doing it all" is straight up garbage. To know that failed marriage, other relationships and friendships are not defeats, or giving up . They are experiences that taught me what is allowed and not allowed. I was in survival mode for decades due to circumstances as a child. Who I am, the real me, who God made me, I'm still learning. I stopped dating, some say that's giving up or being afraid. I know it's freedom from decades of losing myself in relationships. I have very few close friends, some say I'm afraid of getting hurt. I have my inner circle, and not everyone is privy to my life. This is called boundaries. It's also freedom from peer pressure, aka people pleasing. I appreciate your writings, and hope you continue your genuineness, it's helpful and encouraging.
Thank for sharing this, Irma! Always so great to hear from people who liberated themselves from this kind of pressure.
This morning during a free write, a motto from my tormented teen years resurfaced. Love it or leave it. The meaning is much deeper after two divorces.
yep.
I was madly in love with my husband. We had plans to do so much. We had two kids. Two boys who were my life. My husband became less and less loving throughout the years. I recognized that he was unhappy with himself. He was miserable every day and became increasingly more jealous. If any man spoke to me - I must have done something to make him do that. My. Friends, who were in my life forever, slowly stopped calling. I was more lonely than I had ever been. When my best friend told me how he had spoken to her and it was ugly. At the 10 year mark, I was unhappy. But my sons needed so much. I stayed because I thought things would change. We separated twice, my choice. He would call all of the time, show up wherever I was - stalking me to see where I went and who I was with. I swore as soon as my sons were old enough, I would talk to them about leaving. At the 18 year mark, the next separation began. It didn’t last very long for the same reason. I spoke with my oldest. He was not acting the way I had planned. At the 19 year mark I discussed it with him again. Nothing I said would change anything. I stayed one more year and at the 20 year mark, I left him. It should have been easier, I had planned on things getting better, when they did not both of my sons resented me for a long time. We have only recently (2 years ago) that they understood my unhappiness and why I had to go. We are all three close again My sons & me- but I often wonder what would be different had I left for good the first time I tried. It was a mistake to stay for such a long time.,I should have learned sooner his promises to be a better husband and father were not going to last. He would break those promises over & over. I am now very happy. Maybe things would have easier had I left sooner. No DEFINITELY things would ha:;(ve been easier and possibly I would have found happiness sooner. But we cannot live our lives trying to change the past. We can only live in the Now.
Thanks for writing that, Pamela. It must have been so hard to leave that marriage, so glad to know you found happiness!
Thank you 🙏🏼
Sometimes when you quit one thing, another area of life opens up to you that’s way better. I quit the dating apps over 6 years ago because I was tired of dead-end dates going nowhere. I haven’t been on any dates in nearly 7 years, but I’m happier. It’s nice to not have to constantly be in this state of wondering when someone will text back, saying the wrong things, or wondering if they like you or not. Just living and celebrating the people already in my life, has boosted my mental health so much. Thank you!
Oh, liberating yourself from dating apps! Congratulations!
So much here! Makes me think of the lines Charlotte Joko Beck had her students say at the end of each day of Zen practice: "Caught in the self-centered dream, only suffering. Holding to self-centered thoughts, exactly the dream. Each moment, life as it is, the only teacher. Being just this moment, compassion's way."
Oh, a beautiful quote! I'm honored by the comparison!
This was a beautiful, thoughtful, reflective post. Thanks so much Sara.
Thank you, Paula! Means so much coming from you!