As a man this speaks a lot to me. The "don't act too needy" advice has really ratcheted up a notch for men. In a post-tinder world where men out number women 2:1 on most dating platforms, it's really dicey the amount of subtext one has to engage with, the basic assumption for most interactions is that the woman wants to be pursued but you can't act like you're pursuing. It's very difficult to engage in any kind of honest or emotionally fulfilling way on those terms.
I really appreciate what you've conveyed here - your ability to extend empathy towards struggling men & boys is truly worth celebrating. Your closing paragraphs were powerful; if I were capable of having emotional responses beyond anger and malaise, I would probably feel a positive one having read this piece.
I'm a 29 y/o white dude who is educated, well-employed, totally fiscally and personally independent, and a benefactor of patriarchy in some ways. But of what use is "privilege" if the life it benefits has no emotional valence? That is the experience I believe many men, including myself, find themselves in.
You're right on the money with the absence of emotionality for men - I can't say I've ever experienced a mutual, "constructive" emotional moment with another human being. Have I experienced "destructive" emotional moments? Of course! Getting royally pissed and fighting (largely, with other men) is central to the male experience, at least as it happens in our society.
As Scott Galloway points out - there is a reason men are usually the soldiers - and it's not strength, "strategic thinking" or anything like that - it's because with the aid of some testosterone, a small-framed, 19 y/o kid will charge through machinegun fire to grab a single wounded guy he's never met, and then do the whole thing in reverse while carrying them on their back. I think if women want to get some essential insight into what masculinity can be like at its best, the film Hacksaw Ridge is a good reference point.
I am routinely stressed, frustrated, enraged, or pained *at* other people, politics, etc. But have I ever truly experienced a positive, tender moment of love, appreciation, or mutual acknowledgement with another person? Not that I can remember.
Largely speaking, the only kind of physical contact I feel "good" about is a firm handshake. A hug? Purely transactional; an act performed when a firm handshake is too impersonal.
I certainly wish to be able to be tender & emotionally available, to truly be able to support and love someone, and in my dreams, a romantic, intimate partner, but I don't see there as being any serious opportunity for this as a man.
It's obvious enough why men would perceive this as a transgression - we're trained that way, but I think an important thing women can do to help men & boys heal, is to openly examine how women have also enforced these gender rules. My mom always directed me: "Girls will not find you attractive if you admit you have depression, or any mental struggles for that matter. A girl wants a man who is tough and can protect her,".
As a young boy trying to ask out girls, I felt my emotional life was entirely defined by being on the unfavorable end of the dynamic you write about in your column: "The girl is /always/ the one who is desired, I as a man am intrinsically NOT desirable." I never had society - men or women, telling me or acting in a manner that suggested I was desired. AT BEST, I could be something to be feared - but never to be loved.
Thanks for writing this - hope this awareness spreads more.
Great insight! Like Gloria Steinem has said, men need liberating, too.
so true. Thanks so much for reading.
As a man this speaks a lot to me. The "don't act too needy" advice has really ratcheted up a notch for men. In a post-tinder world where men out number women 2:1 on most dating platforms, it's really dicey the amount of subtext one has to engage with, the basic assumption for most interactions is that the woman wants to be pursued but you can't act like you're pursuing. It's very difficult to engage in any kind of honest or emotionally fulfilling way on those terms.
this is so interesting to hear. I really don't envy men in the current dating landscape at all.
As a mom to two boys, this really got me. Downloaded your Audio book too. I can't wait to listen. Thanks for this.
I knew you would love this one, Lizzie!
ah thank you so much. I hope you enjoy it!
Hi Ruth,
I really appreciate what you've conveyed here - your ability to extend empathy towards struggling men & boys is truly worth celebrating. Your closing paragraphs were powerful; if I were capable of having emotional responses beyond anger and malaise, I would probably feel a positive one having read this piece.
I'm a 29 y/o white dude who is educated, well-employed, totally fiscally and personally independent, and a benefactor of patriarchy in some ways. But of what use is "privilege" if the life it benefits has no emotional valence? That is the experience I believe many men, including myself, find themselves in.
You're right on the money with the absence of emotionality for men - I can't say I've ever experienced a mutual, "constructive" emotional moment with another human being. Have I experienced "destructive" emotional moments? Of course! Getting royally pissed and fighting (largely, with other men) is central to the male experience, at least as it happens in our society.
As Scott Galloway points out - there is a reason men are usually the soldiers - and it's not strength, "strategic thinking" or anything like that - it's because with the aid of some testosterone, a small-framed, 19 y/o kid will charge through machinegun fire to grab a single wounded guy he's never met, and then do the whole thing in reverse while carrying them on their back. I think if women want to get some essential insight into what masculinity can be like at its best, the film Hacksaw Ridge is a good reference point.
I am routinely stressed, frustrated, enraged, or pained *at* other people, politics, etc. But have I ever truly experienced a positive, tender moment of love, appreciation, or mutual acknowledgement with another person? Not that I can remember.
Largely speaking, the only kind of physical contact I feel "good" about is a firm handshake. A hug? Purely transactional; an act performed when a firm handshake is too impersonal.
I certainly wish to be able to be tender & emotionally available, to truly be able to support and love someone, and in my dreams, a romantic, intimate partner, but I don't see there as being any serious opportunity for this as a man.
It's obvious enough why men would perceive this as a transgression - we're trained that way, but I think an important thing women can do to help men & boys heal, is to openly examine how women have also enforced these gender rules. My mom always directed me: "Girls will not find you attractive if you admit you have depression, or any mental struggles for that matter. A girl wants a man who is tough and can protect her,".
As a young boy trying to ask out girls, I felt my emotional life was entirely defined by being on the unfavorable end of the dynamic you write about in your column: "The girl is /always/ the one who is desired, I as a man am intrinsically NOT desirable." I never had society - men or women, telling me or acting in a manner that suggested I was desired. AT BEST, I could be something to be feared - but never to be loved.
Thanks for writing this - hope this awareness spreads more.
I found it’s only when you start getting sloppy with those stoic beliefs you can start to have some fun. Great article thank you.
Picked up the book on Friday and will start this week. I just need to finish another one first. I’m a mom to a 5 1/2 year old boy.