I’m so glad to see that you’re back to writing again, Sara. Your book “It’s Not You” really did change my life for the better, and I’m eternally grateful for it.
One issue I see people talking about a lot lately is how Americans are increasingly lonely as if it’s this major mystery. But with the latest mass shootings, stigmatizing of marginalized groups, etc, how would we not expect people to feel more lonely? Issues like that have to be addressed structurally because there is a very real chance that if you leave your house, you could be shot for nothing. Just a thought, albeit a troubling one.
You pop out a baby through either vaginal birth (which experts have said is harder on your body than running a marathon) or through a major abdominal surgery which often happens WHILE YOU'RE AWAKE and the expectation is not that you sleep and heal from these herculean physical endeavors. No, once that baby is out, you're immediately told to pull all nighters, and do whatever it takes to feed that child with your breasts. And it is supposedly the most natural, healthy, warm fuzzy experience.
Except for like 75% of my friends it wasnt--from multiple hospital stays for mastitis to struggles with mental health, it can feel like an impossible task...and like you're failing your first test of motherhood. It can also be expensive as hell, from lactation consultants to nursing bras to the cost of your time (exclusively breastfeeding in the first two months takes 5-8 hours per day).
If exclusively breastfeeding for six months is so critical to the health and happiness of children, then why don’t we give six months of paid federally mandated maternity leave to all mothers? Why aren’t lactation consultants provided free of charge? Why do so many mothers have to go back to work weeks after giving birth and pump in supply closets to the judgment of coworkers?
I can relate on some level. I’m now 84 years young / old…
In 1965 I was about to give birth to my first baby daughter, back then we did not know the gender of the ( secret ) baby in our belly.
I was scheduled to have a cesarean section, due they said, to my narrow hips and lack of a robust rump. ( in so many words )
My contractions began one summer evening in a small beach town in southern CA.
We were only 8 miles away from a major hospital. It was midnight
I awoken my indifferent husband ( that’s a whole other story ) alerting him.
Ok he said sleepy - eyed. He then proceeded to plug in the coffee pot, and went directly to the shower. ( typical, but geez !)
I paced the small area of our then beautiful mobile home by the Sea.., tears welling. From pain, and from the lackadaisical attitude from my young indifferent husband .
My husband emerged from the shower in his robe. Proceeded to pour his coffee, and make himself an English muffin….. pouting that we were out of Rasberry jam.
Then when I phoned my Doctor for the second time, who had said earlier to meet him at the hospital, he insisted on speaking with my emotional, apathetic behaviour.
After a short discussion ensued, my unhappy husband went out to start the car, leaving my packed overnight bag for me to carry. I mustered all my strength to pick up and tote the bag to the waiting car, with my husband not noticing , or pretending not to notice the pain I was experiencing.
Without a single word, he drove the 8 miles to the hospital. We arrived at about 2 am.
I was too embarrassed ( for him ) to carry my own bag into the hospital , so I politely asked him to please help. He did.
Upon arrival at the hospital, we were quickly brought to OBGYN holding area, where my young handsome doctor greeted us with a kind smile. At this point I was overcome by the very fast contractions, writhing in agony, as my doctor was saying…..
“ oh my, I’m afraid it’s too late for a cesarean, this baby wants out now !”
I was unable to process this information, as my screams blotted out all sense of the realty around me. I remember not seeing my husband in the room. Unbeknownst to me, later on I would learn he had snuck out and left me, left our soon to be born daughter, just up and left, with no goodby or good luck.
The rest of this story is right out of a horror movie, as I cried and screamed for pain meds or some sort of relief, I remember a male voice saying ..” I’m afraid we can’t give you dope, as drugs will affect your baby. We want your baby to be pink, not gray when she emerges from your womb. “
58 years ago on this August 28, 2923, I have had to work through , the travesty which occurred on August 28, 1965, the day my beautiful daughter was born. They say the pain of child birth superseded by the joy of a new wonderful healthy baby arriving … but…
That morning in the Seaside hospital, from about 2:30 am. Most all of that day, until 5 pm, I screamed in agony. No drugs do I recall. I felt sweat, snot, tears, and feared a heart attack ( at the tender age of 25 ) would surely kill both me and my baby. 15 hours which didn’t have to be torturous, all needless suffering , coupled with the fact , I had indeed married the wrong man.
My husband did not show up at the hospital until I was ready to go home. The worst ache in my heart, was his dismissing the birth of our beautiful daughter.
Funny … those words “ we want a pink baby” for some reason stayed with me for all these years. Pink was never ever my favorite color .
I divorced my husband , a high functioning alcoholic when our baby girl was two years old.
We will celebrate her 57 th birthday on August 28.
OOOOOH girl. I've got THOUGHTS. I'll put them in separate comments. First up? Grief!
I lost my newborn daughter in 2021 and people have a whole hell of alot of opinions on grief - how to navigate it, how long you're allowed to be in it, when it's ok/not ok to talk about it.
Why "it's not us"
- The average amount of grief leave that someone gets in the USA? 3-5 days. At day three, we were barely able to form sentences, the sound of someone breathing across the room could send me into a panic attack and we had yet to come close to checking off the grueling list of "death tasks" like "oh do you want to bury your child under the ground or incinerate her body" "do you want to throw an event for your friends and family or crawl under your covers and never get out again?" "obituary?" "what do you want to do with the nursery full of things that will never be used?" And yet, you're supposed to resume working at full capacity?
-Once you go back to work, most people avoid talking about it, so you're walking around in a trauma haze with no formal support, feeling like a ghost and navigating how to work when you're in the midst of an identity crisis (there are great articles about this on Harvard Business Review)
-Navigating the shit show of american mental health care, from the herculean task of just finding someone that can take you to figuring out how the hell to pay for it
Most of my friends who experienced a sudden or unexpected loss ended up battling severe depression/anxiety and having to go on an extended leave about six months to a year after returning to work. It doesnt necessarily get easier as you go - in some ways the aftermath gets harder when all of the hubbub dies down and you're expected to just go about life again.
Colleen, I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for pointing me to such an important topic. Yes, it is terrible the time limits that are put on grief, both from employers and the people around you, and all of the surrounding cluelessness about this. Really, really important to discuss.
I am so sorry for your loss. Grief in general is very poorly handled in our society, even more so when talking the loss of a child or baby. We are so unable to sit with our discomfort that we put it on the grieving person to make us more comfortable, even as they suffer. It's not okay, and I'm sorry that you had that experience on top of your loss. I hope you are able to remember your daughter with your friends and family. I know she mattered.
Thank you so much for saying that. We have an incredible support system of people who kept us going. And one of the ways we keep her alive in our hearts is to be really open about the grief experience and to engage with other people who are going through it. Because you're right - there is such a huge societal discomfort with it that people avoid talking about it.
Colleen, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. And I'm sorry that people are generally bad at talking to others about grief. It seems like a major societal problem that Sara could cover that many of us are thinking about. Thanks for bringing it up.
Hi, Sara, first topic that comes to my mind is weight management. There is an ocean of self-help programmes, videos, books all saying "It is you", strongly opposed by all those armies of fat acceptance, body positivity and whatsoever activists blaming their number one enemy, the old white patriarch, and furthermore the grim society and (all-time favourite) climate change. Both philosophies collapse when real life enters the stage because they are biased and do not consider reality. Being obese might have to do with overeating and/or a dysfunctional thyroid gland. You can do something against that as soon as you eliminate factors that make you overeat (self-help) but when you deal with a slow metabolism your chances diminuish. There are enough people who claim that metabolism has nothing to do with it and the only important thing is to count calories. If you are not successful, you lack will power. Unfortunately it is by far not as simple as that. My experience is: be kind to yourself but be realistic and anti-ideological and try to understand how complex all these mechanisms are.
This is a great concept and I look forward to the range of topics you’ll cover. Great point about the self-help industry’s “it’s all up to you” mentality. I’m all for doing the work to improve areas of my life, as long as it’s firmly rooted in the reality that most people are living in today. There aren’t many areas of life that aren’t touched by gender, race, and socioeconomic status in this country—and that even includes relationship status! There is nothing more frustrating (and infuriating) than being told “it’s up to you” to fix your problems and given tools/resources that you either can’t or don’t have access to use .
If you saw my resume you would wonder how it is that i haven't been able to find a job in 5 years and/or buy a house by now. Ssince I lost my job in 2018 I've been unable to find and/or keep a job in my field. I had two contract jobs (one I loved and one I hated) which helped me figure out what I enjoy and what I don't, what I want and what I don't. I got a certification for the kind of job I want. I have past experience for it. I've applied to several. I get told by recruiters that I have a great resume. I've put myself out there, networked, etc. And yet....
And to that point I'd been looking to leave apt living for a while to no avail. Others have and made it look so easy and I "settled" when I couldn't get approved for any place I even somewhat liked.
It's hard to not feel like it's me, especially when other people say "it must be you!" but I recall saying this to a friend and I think this is what it boils down to "Life's not fair, but people want to believe it is". [I believe in God and an afterlife; I believe God is fair and justice will be served then].
Those are the big ones but i can also see the effort vs. result in other avenues in life, including the romantic partnership which your book, Sara, helped me immensely with. I have recommended it to others. Thank you!
"Life's not fair, but people want to believe it is" -- so true! That is super frustrating about your job/apartment search, but I'm so happy to know things are going well in your relationship!
To clarify I am sans romantic partnership lol but I didn't want to talk about that cuz you already spoke about that at length in your book (which I love).
The System is crazy, and we blame ourselves. Ha. We smarter-than-average chimps knuckle-dragging around don't ever seem to change, eh? I'm kinda thinking now that perhaps the system is not even chimp-powered nor designed by "us" anymore... there are just too many things coming from today's system's that makes one feel, "hey, what's going on, that's not close to being generated by a human." If one is over 50, for example, it's like:
"Why can't I see or find anything on this screen, and why do things keep moving around everytime I open the app, and why are my fingers so so fat they can't hit that dot on the screen that must be the please-god-make-it-stop icon?!?"
But if one looks at the underlying app structure and calculates the risk/reward/benefits of the UIX, one will find that every false tap, every missed icon, increases engagement and raises CTR... ah. I see now! HEY techBROS, I know what u are doing and I ain't going out QUIET. No one is getting out this fiasco unscathed. And I am personally coming for u. If I have to slap ur silly faces with ur own dirty data, I will. If I get banned demonetized warned doxed insulted dismissed, so be it. I'm a cartoon character after all... a cutout that represents something else... just like you mr. techbro... This cutout has less money, less power (for now) yes, but the same knowledge as you have in the back rooms of your angel investment meetings and growth report meetups. That's all that I'm saying, for now. Stay tooned.
Oh do I have stories. Mostly about my family of origin. I am on the outside, the trouble maker, the black sheep. I spent decades trying to figure out a way back in (I’m in my 50s), but only recently did I come to the realization that it’s not me. It’s primarily the unhealthy family system I grew up in, led by my narcissistic father. I only noticed it a few years ago when he whisper-campaigned against my niece, who is now estranged from the family (except for me).
I just discovered your ‘stack and look forward to exploring more.
Hi!
I’m so glad to see that you’re back to writing again, Sara. Your book “It’s Not You” really did change my life for the better, and I’m eternally grateful for it.
One issue I see people talking about a lot lately is how Americans are increasingly lonely as if it’s this major mystery. But with the latest mass shootings, stigmatizing of marginalized groups, etc, how would we not expect people to feel more lonely? Issues like that have to be addressed structurally because there is a very real chance that if you leave your house, you could be shot for nothing. Just a thought, albeit a troubling one.
Thank you, I'm so happy to hear my book was helpful! And, yes, absolutely. I have an upcoming post about loneliness -- not a mystery as you say!
Also the system that says that if you do not want children something is wrong with you as a woman.
Totally!
Another one: Breastfeeding
I wrote about it here: https://www.mother.ly/life/its-okay-if-you-dont-breastfeed/
But here's the TLDR from my experience.
You pop out a baby through either vaginal birth (which experts have said is harder on your body than running a marathon) or through a major abdominal surgery which often happens WHILE YOU'RE AWAKE and the expectation is not that you sleep and heal from these herculean physical endeavors. No, once that baby is out, you're immediately told to pull all nighters, and do whatever it takes to feed that child with your breasts. And it is supposedly the most natural, healthy, warm fuzzy experience.
Except for like 75% of my friends it wasnt--from multiple hospital stays for mastitis to struggles with mental health, it can feel like an impossible task...and like you're failing your first test of motherhood. It can also be expensive as hell, from lactation consultants to nursing bras to the cost of your time (exclusively breastfeeding in the first two months takes 5-8 hours per day).
If exclusively breastfeeding for six months is so critical to the health and happiness of children, then why don’t we give six months of paid federally mandated maternity leave to all mothers? Why aren’t lactation consultants provided free of charge? Why do so many mothers have to go back to work weeks after giving birth and pump in supply closets to the judgment of coworkers?
Stated perfectly, thank you.
Colleen, yes such important questions! Thank you for sharing all this!
I can relate on some level. I’m now 84 years young / old…
In 1965 I was about to give birth to my first baby daughter, back then we did not know the gender of the ( secret ) baby in our belly.
I was scheduled to have a cesarean section, due they said, to my narrow hips and lack of a robust rump. ( in so many words )
My contractions began one summer evening in a small beach town in southern CA.
We were only 8 miles away from a major hospital. It was midnight
I awoken my indifferent husband ( that’s a whole other story ) alerting him.
Ok he said sleepy - eyed. He then proceeded to plug in the coffee pot, and went directly to the shower. ( typical, but geez !)
I paced the small area of our then beautiful mobile home by the Sea.., tears welling. From pain, and from the lackadaisical attitude from my young indifferent husband .
My husband emerged from the shower in his robe. Proceeded to pour his coffee, and make himself an English muffin….. pouting that we were out of Rasberry jam.
Then when I phoned my Doctor for the second time, who had said earlier to meet him at the hospital, he insisted on speaking with my emotional, apathetic behaviour.
After a short discussion ensued, my unhappy husband went out to start the car, leaving my packed overnight bag for me to carry. I mustered all my strength to pick up and tote the bag to the waiting car, with my husband not noticing , or pretending not to notice the pain I was experiencing.
Without a single word, he drove the 8 miles to the hospital. We arrived at about 2 am.
I was too embarrassed ( for him ) to carry my own bag into the hospital , so I politely asked him to please help. He did.
Upon arrival at the hospital, we were quickly brought to OBGYN holding area, where my young handsome doctor greeted us with a kind smile. At this point I was overcome by the very fast contractions, writhing in agony, as my doctor was saying…..
“ oh my, I’m afraid it’s too late for a cesarean, this baby wants out now !”
I was unable to process this information, as my screams blotted out all sense of the realty around me. I remember not seeing my husband in the room. Unbeknownst to me, later on I would learn he had snuck out and left me, left our soon to be born daughter, just up and left, with no goodby or good luck.
The rest of this story is right out of a horror movie, as I cried and screamed for pain meds or some sort of relief, I remember a male voice saying ..” I’m afraid we can’t give you dope, as drugs will affect your baby. We want your baby to be pink, not gray when she emerges from your womb. “
58 years ago on this August 28, 2923, I have had to work through , the travesty which occurred on August 28, 1965, the day my beautiful daughter was born. They say the pain of child birth superseded by the joy of a new wonderful healthy baby arriving … but…
That morning in the Seaside hospital, from about 2:30 am. Most all of that day, until 5 pm, I screamed in agony. No drugs do I recall. I felt sweat, snot, tears, and feared a heart attack ( at the tender age of 25 ) would surely kill both me and my baby. 15 hours which didn’t have to be torturous, all needless suffering , coupled with the fact , I had indeed married the wrong man.
My husband did not show up at the hospital until I was ready to go home. The worst ache in my heart, was his dismissing the birth of our beautiful daughter.
Funny … those words “ we want a pink baby” for some reason stayed with me for all these years. Pink was never ever my favorite color .
I divorced my husband , a high functioning alcoholic when our baby girl was two years old.
We will celebrate her 57 th birthday on August 28.
OOOOOH girl. I've got THOUGHTS. I'll put them in separate comments. First up? Grief!
I lost my newborn daughter in 2021 and people have a whole hell of alot of opinions on grief - how to navigate it, how long you're allowed to be in it, when it's ok/not ok to talk about it.
Why "it's not us"
- The average amount of grief leave that someone gets in the USA? 3-5 days. At day three, we were barely able to form sentences, the sound of someone breathing across the room could send me into a panic attack and we had yet to come close to checking off the grueling list of "death tasks" like "oh do you want to bury your child under the ground or incinerate her body" "do you want to throw an event for your friends and family or crawl under your covers and never get out again?" "obituary?" "what do you want to do with the nursery full of things that will never be used?" And yet, you're supposed to resume working at full capacity?
-Once you go back to work, most people avoid talking about it, so you're walking around in a trauma haze with no formal support, feeling like a ghost and navigating how to work when you're in the midst of an identity crisis (there are great articles about this on Harvard Business Review)
-Navigating the shit show of american mental health care, from the herculean task of just finding someone that can take you to figuring out how the hell to pay for it
Most of my friends who experienced a sudden or unexpected loss ended up battling severe depression/anxiety and having to go on an extended leave about six months to a year after returning to work. It doesnt necessarily get easier as you go - in some ways the aftermath gets harder when all of the hubbub dies down and you're expected to just go about life again.
Colleen, I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for pointing me to such an important topic. Yes, it is terrible the time limits that are put on grief, both from employers and the people around you, and all of the surrounding cluelessness about this. Really, really important to discuss.
I am so sorry for your loss. Grief in general is very poorly handled in our society, even more so when talking the loss of a child or baby. We are so unable to sit with our discomfort that we put it on the grieving person to make us more comfortable, even as they suffer. It's not okay, and I'm sorry that you had that experience on top of your loss. I hope you are able to remember your daughter with your friends and family. I know she mattered.
Thank you so much for saying that. We have an incredible support system of people who kept us going. And one of the ways we keep her alive in our hearts is to be really open about the grief experience and to engage with other people who are going through it. Because you're right - there is such a huge societal discomfort with it that people avoid talking about it.
Colleen, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. And I'm sorry that people are generally bad at talking to others about grief. It seems like a major societal problem that Sara could cover that many of us are thinking about. Thanks for bringing it up.
Hi, Sara, first topic that comes to my mind is weight management. There is an ocean of self-help programmes, videos, books all saying "It is you", strongly opposed by all those armies of fat acceptance, body positivity and whatsoever activists blaming their number one enemy, the old white patriarch, and furthermore the grim society and (all-time favourite) climate change. Both philosophies collapse when real life enters the stage because they are biased and do not consider reality. Being obese might have to do with overeating and/or a dysfunctional thyroid gland. You can do something against that as soon as you eliminate factors that make you overeat (self-help) but when you deal with a slow metabolism your chances diminuish. There are enough people who claim that metabolism has nothing to do with it and the only important thing is to count calories. If you are not successful, you lack will power. Unfortunately it is by far not as simple as that. My experience is: be kind to yourself but be realistic and anti-ideological and try to understand how complex all these mechanisms are.
Yes, great advice! Plus, there are a lot of societal factors that make it extra hard, which I will be discussing in an upcoming post!
This is a great concept and I look forward to the range of topics you’ll cover. Great point about the self-help industry’s “it’s all up to you” mentality. I’m all for doing the work to improve areas of my life, as long as it’s firmly rooted in the reality that most people are living in today. There aren’t many areas of life that aren’t touched by gender, race, and socioeconomic status in this country—and that even includes relationship status! There is nothing more frustrating (and infuriating) than being told “it’s up to you” to fix your problems and given tools/resources that you either can’t or don’t have access to use .
Thanks, Denise for being my first poster! So glad to know this concept interests you!
Oh my gosh! Someone gave me your book years ago and it was really empowering. And now I can read you again here. Yay!
Oh, so happy to hear thank you Alissa!
Work/money/housing...
If you saw my resume you would wonder how it is that i haven't been able to find a job in 5 years and/or buy a house by now. Ssince I lost my job in 2018 I've been unable to find and/or keep a job in my field. I had two contract jobs (one I loved and one I hated) which helped me figure out what I enjoy and what I don't, what I want and what I don't. I got a certification for the kind of job I want. I have past experience for it. I've applied to several. I get told by recruiters that I have a great resume. I've put myself out there, networked, etc. And yet....
And to that point I'd been looking to leave apt living for a while to no avail. Others have and made it look so easy and I "settled" when I couldn't get approved for any place I even somewhat liked.
It's hard to not feel like it's me, especially when other people say "it must be you!" but I recall saying this to a friend and I think this is what it boils down to "Life's not fair, but people want to believe it is". [I believe in God and an afterlife; I believe God is fair and justice will be served then].
Those are the big ones but i can also see the effort vs. result in other avenues in life, including the romantic partnership which your book, Sara, helped me immensely with. I have recommended it to others. Thank you!
"Life's not fair, but people want to believe it is" -- so true! That is super frustrating about your job/apartment search, but I'm so happy to know things are going well in your relationship!
Yes, it certainly is!
To clarify I am sans romantic partnership lol but I didn't want to talk about that cuz you already spoke about that at length in your book (which I love).
:)
oh, got it! and thank you!
I’m so excited for this! I’m so excited for US! ❤️
Thank you, friend!
The System is crazy, and we blame ourselves. Ha. We smarter-than-average chimps knuckle-dragging around don't ever seem to change, eh? I'm kinda thinking now that perhaps the system is not even chimp-powered nor designed by "us" anymore... there are just too many things coming from today's system's that makes one feel, "hey, what's going on, that's not close to being generated by a human." If one is over 50, for example, it's like:
"Why can't I see or find anything on this screen, and why do things keep moving around everytime I open the app, and why are my fingers so so fat they can't hit that dot on the screen that must be the please-god-make-it-stop icon?!?"
But if one looks at the underlying app structure and calculates the risk/reward/benefits of the UIX, one will find that every false tap, every missed icon, increases engagement and raises CTR... ah. I see now! HEY techBROS, I know what u are doing and I ain't going out QUIET. No one is getting out this fiasco unscathed. And I am personally coming for u. If I have to slap ur silly faces with ur own dirty data, I will. If I get banned demonetized warned doxed insulted dismissed, so be it. I'm a cartoon character after all... a cutout that represents something else... just like you mr. techbro... This cutout has less money, less power (for now) yes, but the same knowledge as you have in the back rooms of your angel investment meetings and growth report meetups. That's all that I'm saying, for now. Stay tooned.
Oh do I have stories. Mostly about my family of origin. I am on the outside, the trouble maker, the black sheep. I spent decades trying to figure out a way back in (I’m in my 50s), but only recently did I come to the realization that it’s not me. It’s primarily the unhealthy family system I grew up in, led by my narcissistic father. I only noticed it a few years ago when he whisper-campaigned against my niece, who is now estranged from the family (except for me).
I just discovered your ‘stack and look forward to exploring more.